Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Courage consists not in hazarding without fear, but being resolutely minded in a just cause.
- Plutarch, Greek Essayist and Biographer (46-120 A.D.)

Monthly Archives: May 2015

I swear to God, I thought of this twenty years before it became a reality! What’s funny is that my claim to having the idea reminds me of my mother-in-law who says she had the idea for a remote control back in the days where you had to get your ass up off the couch to change the channels. So yeah, she had the idea, and I had the idea, neither one of us acted on the idea, but this idea is really cool.  I swear I thought of this twenty years ago.

Go girl

Here is a scientific fact I would like to share with you: women are the higher evolved sex of the human species. How can I say that? It’s pure biology. Men have one canal for both sex and urination, they have a second canal for excrement. Women, on the other hand, have one canal for urination, they have a second canal for reproduction, and they have a third alimentary canal. Look at the scoreboard: Women 3, Men 2. That’s reality, any biologist will tell you, women are the higher evolved sex of the human species.

But they can’t write their names in the snow!

Probably a dozen times a day I thank God for making me the penis bearer of the species. I love having a penis, it’s the best feeling in the world to wake up and scratch your balls with not a single thought in your manly brain, but . . . I do love the beauty of women. You can take all those greek homo statues of naked men and I feel nothing. Show me a naked woman and I am ready for worship.

There are two reasons I believe in God, the beauty of a sunset, and the beauty of women.

When I was a teenager, I remember how good it felt to go camping and take a piss and hit the spot you were aiming for and look over your shoulder with no worries about anything only to see the girls squatting, looking embarrassed and looking like they were hoping they could spread their legs wide enough so the piss wouldn’t soak their shoes.

It’s not the women’s fault that their bathroom lines are always three times as long as the men’s lines, but there is hope in this new product. I really hope this go-girl product will catch on, and yes, I will have no problem if you ladies line up right beside me at the urinal at the men’s room.

go-girl2

I am totally down with women having a little prosthetic help to piss like a man.

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Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders is going to punk Hillary Clinton

10. Hillary Clinton’s charity foundation spends a pathetic 10 percent of it’s donations on good deeds. If that’s how she manages donations to her charity, imagine how grossly negligent a Clinton Presidency will be with your tax dollars.

9. Bernie Sanders is unafraid to come out in public and list the 18 worst corporate tax dodgers. Hillary Clinton is too busy courting contributions to say an unkind word about any of them.

8. Bernie Sanders is a self-proclaimed socialist. That makes him the only honest Democrat in Congress.

7. Hillary Clinton says she dodged sniper fire landing in Bosnia. In reality, she strolled down the tarmac and a little girl handed her a bouquet of flowers. Bernie Sanders has never falsely claimed he was under a hail of bullets.

6. Bernie Sanders is a bright intellect, he may be far left of my views, but he is articulate and he can answer any question on any policy and have a lucid reason for believing in what he believes. (I’m hoping you’ve seen him on Bill Maher’s Real Time, and then you’ll know why he’s a frequent guest. The guy is one of the most intelligent, unscripted, coherent members in the entire Congress.

5. Obama is so clueless, he said this to the entrepreneurs who built America: “You didn’t build that.” Hillary one-upped him on Obama’s stupidity: “Don’t let anybody, don’t let anybody tell you that, um, you know, it’s corporations and businesses that create jobs. You know that old theory, trickle down economics. That has been tried, that has failed, it has failed rather spectacularly.” I bet you Bernie Sanders never thought that businesses don’t create jobs.

4. Hillary Clinton lied about the genesis of her name for sixty years, even though it’s ridiculous to imagine she was so stupid she couldn’t have checked an encyclopedia to find out she was born six years before anyone in the world had heard of the guy who was first to climb Mount Everest. Bernard “Bernie” Sanders never felt a compulsion to make up a story about how he was named after the famous playwright, George Bernard Shaw.

3. Bernie Sanders tells the truth: “The gap between the very rich and everyone is wider than at any time since the 1920s.” Hillary Clinton is a hoover-sucking vacuum who will only grace you with her presence if you’re willing to pay $50,000 for a plate.

2. Five months ahead of where we’re at now, Obama was down 32 points to Hillary – 50% to 18%. Think about that. Obama was down 32-freakin’-points.  Hillary Clinton is going to flame out. It’s what she does.

1. He may not have the corporate cash of the corporate whore Hillary, but I can tell you he will mop the floor with Hillary’s blood clot brain in the debates.

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I’m going to re-record these tracks, but I think the song would kick ass with the right singer.

Middleman Blues

I’ve been so stressed out lately won’t somebody come sedate me?
Before I go smooth out of my mind
Time after time it’s all the same, it gets to be so draining
Somehow I know that it’s gotta change
‘Cause I’m so sick and tired of being wrapped in chicken wire
I think I’m just about to unwind

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

As much as I may hate it, I just have to up and say it
Won’t you all please just leave me alone
And even though it hurts me, don’t you know that it alerts me
DOn’t need to be a middleman jones
I’m not the type to complain, baby it’s not the same thing
And you can say that maybe I’ve changed

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

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Currently Listening To:

Team of Rivals
by
Doris Kearns Goodwin