Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Anger may repast with thee for an hour, but not repose for a night; the continuance of anger is hatred, the continuance of hatred turns malice. That anger is not warrantable which hath seen two suns.
- Quarles, English Poet (1592-1644)

I was done with this world and on a mission to end it all so I got to a point where I was ready to take care of all my earthly obligations.

A jazz big band, a jazz combo and a hard rock cover band, three bands I loved and cherished and was Mr. Dependable for for over a year and a half, making it on time to 56 out of 56 gigs (yes, I counted) and yet as much as I loved those bands, I had reached a point where I was done and I had to quit all three of my beloved bands. I was willing to play a final show or two if a replacement could not be found, but was fortunate to find that a new bass player was ready for both the upcoming gigs and it looked like I would not have to leave any of the bands in the lurch.

My clients, the clients I’ve loved and worked with over years and years, I had to hand them over to other developers and say my goodbyes, a couple of them tearful. The company that was so gracious to send me new clients, I tried to finish up the current projects the best I could and then tell them, thanks for the opportunities, sorry but I am out of the game.

So there it was, all my obligations handed away, all my responsibilities done and all the loose ends tied. I had it all set up.

Where I screwed up was in being caught in an inebriated state of honesty when the neighbors came over for a dinner party the following Tuesday night and they asked, “Why are you doing this?” “Why have you quit all the bands and handed off all your clients?”

In a moment of drunken honesty I blurted out, “Because I’m going to go out to Las Vegas and kill myself.”

I’ve been dreaming of ending this life since I was 13, but it was only when I was 32 and saw Leaving Las Vegas that the seed was planted. I saw that movie and never has a movie resonated so much with me. It planted a seed and the seed has grown roots over the last ten years.

My drunken honesty that Tuesday night got me a ride in the Sheriff’s car straight to the emergency room of the local hospital. And so there was a bump in the road, but I believe everyone has the right to choose the time and place of their own dying if they so desire, and this is just a bump in the road on my way to Making Las Vegas.

Leaving Las Vegas - To Be Continued

Leaving Las Vegas - To Be Continued

(continued . . . )

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9 Responses to A Bump in the Road to Vegas

  • I hope you are shitting us. You are THE most brilliant bassist that I have had the pleasure of knowing. To top it off, you are very intelligent. Not many talented musicians have that going for them. We all have struggles, we all have regrets, we all suffer pains from which there is no relief. The bad things that you may have done in the past will always be a painful scar on your soul, but as long as those scars still hurt, then you are a human worthy of being alive. It’s only the people who have no sorrow for their mistakes that should be gone.
    Don’t judge the failure or success of your life by the facade that others present. A facade maybe true, but it’s only a thin veneer to the whole story.

  • P.S. We who read your blog love you. F the rest.

  • I can not believe what I have just read. This is something that is curable with the help of family, friends, and professional counseling. Please get the help you need. Life is short enough, and you have not accomplished nearly half of what you were brought here for. Ending ones own life is just plain selfishness. And you are not selfish.

    • It’s good to hear from you, Ray. I’m working on it, man. I’m working on it. Thanks for saying that, because at my best, I really am an unselfish and sharing person, I’ve just got to avoid that penchant I have for being self-absorbed in my misery.

  • You matter.You have worth and you love music! You have a gift that few people possess. Unfortunatly your gift makes you sensitive to all emotions in an intensified way. You’ve got to get through this and share your strength to help others.

  • Were it to help one person, I don’t mind laying myself bare to all the world.

    I’ll get it together guys. What was it that a great man once said?

    “Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”

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