Anger may repast with thee for an hour, but not repose for a night; the continuance of anger is hatred, the continuance of hatred turns malice. That anger is not warrantable which hath seen two suns.
- Quarles, English Poet (1592-1644)
I was done with this world and on a mission to end it all so I got to a point where I was ready to take care of all my earthly obligations.
A jazz big band, a jazz combo and a hard rock cover band, three bands I loved and cherished and was Mr. Dependable for for over a year and a half, making it on time to 56 out of 56 gigs (yes, I counted) and yet as much as I loved those bands, I had reached a point where I was done and I had to quit all three of my beloved bands. I was willing to play a final show or two if a replacement could not be found, but was fortunate to find that a new bass player was ready for both the upcoming gigs and it looked like I would not have to leave any of the bands in the lurch.
My clients, the clients I’ve loved and worked with over years and years, I had to hand them over to other developers and say my goodbyes, a couple of them tearful. The company that was so gracious to send me new clients, I tried to finish up the current projects the best I could and then tell them, thanks for the opportunities, sorry but I am out of the game.
So there it was, all my obligations handed away, all my responsibilities done and all the loose ends tied. I had it all set up.
Where I screwed up was in being caught in an inebriated state of honesty when the neighbors came over for a dinner party the following Tuesday night and they asked, “Why are you doing this?” “Why have you quit all the bands and handed off all your clients?”
In a moment of drunken honesty I blurted out, “Because I’m going to go out to Las Vegas and kill myself.”
I’ve been dreaming of ending this life since I was 13, but it was only when I was 32 and saw Leaving Las Vegas that the seed was planted. I saw that movie and never has a movie resonated so much with me. It planted a seed and the seed has grown roots over the last ten years.
My drunken honesty that Tuesday night got me a ride in the Sheriff’s car straight to the emergency room of the local hospital. And so there was a bump in the road, but I believe everyone has the right to choose the time and place of their own dying if they so desire, and this is just a bump in the road on my way to Making Las Vegas.