Letters from the Lunar Outpost

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This is what I see when I see an iPhone.

This is what I see when I see an iPhone.

I really have hated Apple and all their iCrap devices ever since the iPod came out and my mom was so sweet to get me that pricey little device as the hottest Christmas gift of the year and I can remember I was so excited as I plugged the USB connecter from my brand new iPod into my PC and I began dragging and dropping my mp3s over from my PC and . . . what? What’s this? You mean to tell me I can’t drag and drop my mp3s over just as simple as you can with any other USB storage device that’s ever been made? You mean to tell me that I have to install that bloatware known as iTunes just to do something as simple as a file transfer? Eff you, you effing control freaks.

That was 2001.  Flash forward 16 years later and the tyrants at the Apple regime still make it just as ridiculously convoluted for me to get my wife’s pdf resume from my computer to her iPhone. All these years later and still the authoritarians at Apple won’t allow a simple drag and drop, so the next three options are iCloud and AirDrop – both a bunch of iCrap only available on iOS, and then there’s iTunes, I already swore I was not going to be forced into installing that garbage on my PC, the final solution was a third-party app (Documents 5, thanks Readdle Inc.!) which allowed my wife to get access to the pdf attachment from her browser-based email. Seriously, what a load of crap.

Forget about the fact that Apple outsources all their manufacturing to the cheapest slave labor factories in China and then slaps on their products the most over-inflated price tags imaginable. Far better to buy stock in the company than complain about that, but what I want to know is when will Apple stop ruling their design process with a money-grubbing iron fist that squeezes out the state-of-the-art technology their customers deserve?

How long are iPhones and iPads going to stick with that outdated single button beneath the screen when both Androids and Windows devices have a much more useful set of three permanent buttons? On Android phones, you have a permanent back button just to the right of the home button, on Windows Phones, you have a permanent back button just to the left, but for some reason, Apple is stuck on this lame idea that one button somehow makes things simpler. Because of this, the all-important back button could be in the upper-left of the screen or the lower-left or wherever the developer might want to put it. Listen Apple, pig-headedly sticking with one button beneath the screen does not make your phone any more functional or aesthetically pleasing. It just sucks.

And when will Apple give people the same ability to upgrade their device storage with the MicroSD slots that every other phone has had for over a dozen years now? I know Apple’s all about fleecing their fan base and forcing them to shell out the big bucks if they want more storage on their devices, but did they ever stop to consider that from a historical perspective, their phones and tablets look ridiculously behind the curve when it’s 2017 and they still don’t have something as basic as a MicroSD slot?

Just the same as I wouldn’t begrudge Yves Saint Laurent for finding a way to convince the masses their bags are “status symbols”, to the point where people are willing to pay way more than any bag should be worth because everyone else knows how much they paid for that YSL bag, I also won’t begrudge Apple for finding a way to convince their loyal fans to pay a premium price to make their own fashion statement. You have to hand it to Apple for managing that one, but when it comes to the capabilities and the technology of their devices, don’t ever let anyone tell you Apple isn’t squeezing it out.

Apple Squat

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ewok-walk
               

chocolate

Mi Chocolate

O choco choco chocolate
I want to feel you melt inside my mouth
I want to taste that deep dark brown delight
and then I’ll have myself another bite
Of chocolate
Mi chocolate

Take me down, down to the Mayan lands,
Take me down to Guatemala

Take me up to climb the pyramid
Let my heart bleed out in your hands

O choco choco chocolate
Mi choco choco chocolate
I want to feel you melt inside my mouth
I want to taste that deep dark brown delight
and then I’ll have myself another bite
Of chocolate
Mi chocolate

Sangre tan pura y limpia
Nativa americana

Soy aquí, soy tu conquistador
Sembrando en suelo fértil

O choco choco chocolate
Mi choco choco chocolate
I want to feel you melt inside my mouth
I want to taste that deep dark brown delight
and then I’ll have myself another bite
Of chocolate
Mi chocolate

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ewok-walk
               

When it comes to making your New Year’s resolutions, why set yourself up to fail with unrealistic epectations and unobtainable goals?

Far better to aim for success with these Can’t Fail New Year’s Resolutions:

10. I will eat what tastes good and not trouble myself with worries over whether it’s good for me.

9. I promise also to eat more pork and eat more meat in general as a way of saying thank you to God for not making me a Muslim or a vegetarian.

8. In the coming year, I will be more honest with people, no matter how much it might hurt their feelings. After all, honesty is the best policy. Always remember that people need to hear the truth because the truth shall set them free.

7. Should I decide to take up smoking again, I will abandon selfish thoughts about my own health and instead think about the well-being of the nearly 1/4 million Americans directly employed by the tobacco industry.

6. All year long, I will do my best to encourage Democrats to vote for Hillary Clinton on November 9th and I will make sure to cast my vote when Election Day arrives on November 8th.

5. I’m going to stop concerning myself about the plight of the poor people around the world. There are plenty of people struggling right here at home, and when I say home, I mean right here at my house.

4. If I spend a little time watching Internet porn in the coming year, I will not burden myself with feelings of guilt. I will also do my share to help support single mothers by making more trips to the local strip club.

3. I will devote even more time in the coming year to listening to audiobooks, because the more well-read I am, the more interesting and intelligent your friends and acquaintances are.

Someone Is Wrong on the Internet

2. This year, I will take all the time necessary to help people understand why they’re wrong when they post their muddle-headed opinions on the Internet.

1. Last but not least, I promise not to gloat when February rolls around and I’m the only one whose New Year’s resolutions are still intact.

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ewok-walk
               

I’m going to re-record these tracks, but I think the song would kick ass with the right singer.

Middleman Blues

I’ve been so stressed out lately won’t somebody come sedate me?
Before I go smooth out of my mind
Time after time it’s all the same, it gets to be so draining
Somehow I know that it’s gotta change
‘Cause I’m so sick and tired of being wrapped in chicken wire
I think I’m just about to unwind

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

As much as I may hate it, I just have to up and say it
Won’t you all please just leave me alone
And even though it hurts me, don’t you know that it alerts me
DOn’t need to be a middleman jones
I’m not the type to complain, baby it’s not the same thing
And you can say that maybe I’ve changed

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

‘Cause I’m so tired of being the middleman
Don’t you think of pointing your finger at me
Everyone’s all wanting the upper hand
Everybody wants a nominal fee
And you know it’s always the middle man
Who gets his ass nailed to the tree
And when all’s said and done won’t be the one
Sticking his ass out for free

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ewok-walk
               
Currently Listening To:

Team of Rivals
by
Doris Kearns Goodwin