Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Malice drinks one half of its own poison.
- Seneca, Roman Philosopher, Dramatist, and Statesman (B.C. 3-65 A.D.)

As Social Security continues to pay out more than it takes in and each successive Congress punts any tough decisions to the next Congress, the solvency of this cherished American entitlement grows worse and worse and it’s only a matter of time before the whole ponzi scheme goes completely bankrupt.

In light of this fact, I offer my own six-point plan for saving Social Security.

Proposal #1:

At the age of eligibility for benefits, Social Security recipients are given a one-time chance to cash out in lump sum 50% of their projected life-expectancy’s value in benefits. If lump sum payments work for the lottery, it should work for Social Security too, and as a matter of fact, Social Security is just like a lottery because you never know if you’re really going to live long enough to collect the lifetime’s worth of wages you actually paid in.

Allowing people to opt for 50% of their projected benefits gives people the flexibility to enjoy their benefits how and when they want them and of course, it will make a drastic cut in benefits the government must pay out over time and for any people who are compulsive enough to cash out and blow their lump sum payment, that’s their own damn fault.

Proposal #2:

Repeal all seat belt laws and fine violators who continue to wear these constraining devices.

Proposal #3:

Increase every speed limit on every street and highway in the nation by 20 mph. Highways will see a satisfying rise for drivers from 75 mph to 95 mph, commercial zones will see a typical rise from 45 to 65, and residential streets will see increases from mind-numbingly slow speeds such as 15 mph to a much more exhilirating 35 mph.

Proposal #4:

Temporarily suspend all federally mandated workplace safety laws “for further review of their efficiency in the workplace.” Put a committee in charge of the review and make sure it’s bi-partisan enough to ensure that any possible recommendations will be bogged down in endless squabbling.

Proposal #5:

Encourage youth smoking. Everyone knows that smoking makes you look cool, we need to get that message out to the youth of America. Start a nationwide campaign of “a cigarette machine alongside every soda machine” in America’s high schools, junior highs and elementary schools.

The great thing about cigarette smoking is that while the addiction takes hold for most in their teens and early 20s, it still allows many, many productive years for the average smoker to pay into the system. It’s only about the age of collection of benefits that we begin to see a positive rise in the mortality rates.

Proposal #6:

Build upon the success of the “smoking makes you look cool” campaign with further youth-targeted campaigns such as “fast food – eat what tastes good”, “drop-out of school and get a job, slacker”, “youth sports means having the latest game system, bro” and “condoms and clean needles ruin all the fun.”

There you have it. folks. While the clowns in Congress hem and haw as the bus goes rambling towards the cliff, I provide you with a perfect six-point plan to save Social Security. It requires no new taxes, and for the people who do manage to make it to retirement age, it promises zero reduction in benefits.

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3 Responses to How to Save Social Security

  • It appears that your plan would work out just about as well as what we have now. Congress does not appear to care about anything except each member’s next election.

  • How about this?
    1. STOP taking Social Security funds and using them in the general fund IMMEDIATELY
    2. Raise the retirement age for everyone below the age of 60 to 70 (yes, that includes me and I HATE the idea)
    3. Raise the retirement age for everyone under 40 to 75
    4. Take away the benefit of lifetime medical care for Congresscritters present/past and future and dedicate THOSE funds to Social Security. Consider it a payback of moneys stolen from the people.
    5. STOP the wars that we are waging globally, bring the troops home and remove our bases from the majority (if not all) of the nations worldwide where we have them and rededicate some of the savings (say 20%) to repayment of the stolen 5 TRILLION or so dollars that our government has stolen from us. That should continue for 50 years or until the 5 trillion is repaid, whichever comes first
    6. I like the 50% cashout idea. We should go with it.
    7. End the welfare program as we know it and EMPLOY those people to clean streets, pick up trash and generally help keep our streets and other public areas nicer. If they don’t want to work, cut them off and send the savings to Social Security – to help pay off that 5 trillion dollar debt.
    8. Let anyone who wants to come to this country and WORK, come and work. We can use their Social security payments, too.

    • Though as a whole, they’re far to extreme for any politician seeking re-election to get behind, I’d say those are some level-headed proposals there.

      I especially like #4, though the only way that’s going to pass Congress is if you have some sort of magic wand you can wave to make it happen.

      #8 we could debate on, though. Plenty of unemployed people in America as it is, if we just open the borders and let anyone and everyone come over, it’s going to be hell for the legal citizens who are already having a tough time finding a job. They do say there are lots of skilled jobs that are going unfilled, I’d say focusing on getting the unemployed trained for some of those careers would be an investment that would pay off for the unemployed and for the solvency of Social Security as well.

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