The avaricious man is like the barren sandy ground of the desert which sucks in all the rain and dew with greediness, but yields no fruitful herbs or plants for the benefit of others.
- Zeno, Greek Philosopher (B.C. 335?-264)
As Social Security continues to pay out more than it takes in and each successive Congress punts any tough decisions to the next Congress, the solvency of this cherished American entitlement grows worse and worse and it’s only a matter of time before the whole ponzi scheme goes completely bankrupt.
In light of this fact, I offer my own six-point plan for saving Social Security.
At the age of eligibility for benefits, Social Security recipients are given a one-time chance to cash out in lump sum 50% of their projected life-expectancy’s value in benefits. If lump sum payments work for the lottery, it should work for Social Security too, and as a matter of fact, Social Security is just like a lottery because you never know if you’re really going to live long enough to collect the lifetime’s worth of wages you actually paid in.
Allowing people to opt for 50% of their projected benefits gives people the flexibility to enjoy their benefits how and when they want them and of course, it will make a drastic cut in benefits the government must pay out over time and for any people who are compulsive enough to cash out and blow their lump sum payment, that’s their own damn fault.
Repeal all seat belt laws and fine violators who continue to wear these constraining devices.
Increase every speed limit on every street and highway in the nation by 20 mph. Highways will see a satisfying rise for drivers from 75 mph to 95 mph, commercial zones will see a typical rise from 45 to 65, and residential streets will see increases from mind-numbingly slow speeds such as 15 mph to a much more exhilirating 35 mph.
Temporarily suspend all federally mandated workplace safety laws “for further review of their efficiency in the workplace.” Put a committee in charge of the review and make sure it’s bi-partisan enough to ensure that any possible recommendations will be bogged down in endless squabbling.
Encourage youth smoking. Everyone knows that smoking makes you look cool, we need to get that message out to the youth of America. Start a nationwide campaign of “a cigarette machine alongside every soda machine” in America’s high schools, junior highs and elementary schools.
The great thing about cigarette smoking is that while the addiction takes hold for most in their teens and early 20s, it still allows many, many productive years for the average smoker to pay into the system. It’s only about the age of collection of benefits that we begin to see a positive rise in the mortality rates.
Build upon the success of the “smoking makes you look cool” campaign with further youth-targeted campaigns such as “fast food – eat what tastes good”, “drop-out of school and get a job, slacker”, “youth sports means having the latest game system, bro” and “condoms and clean needles ruin all the fun.”
There you have it. folks. While the clowns in Congress hem and haw as the bus goes rambling towards the cliff, I provide you with a perfect six-point plan to save Social Security. It requires no new taxes, and for the people who do manage to make it to retirement age, it promises zero reduction in benefits.