Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Avarice is always poor, but poor by her own fault.
- Johnson, English Author (1709-1784)

super bowl

The Patriots are cheaters.If you’re still in denial about whether the Patriots got caught cheating again with DeflateGate, don’t get distracted by all the heat Tom Brady’s been taking, the real reason the Patriots have been using deflated balls is the ground game.

There’s nothing more random in the game of football than fumbles. A team can lead the league in fumbles one year and then have the fewest fumbles the next. It is the most random element in football, and even more so when you consider the fact that guys who are prone to fumbling don’t last too long in the league. So considering that, consider the impossible coincidence of this statistic:

The Patriots ratio of 187 plays to 1 fumble is the BEST of ANY team in the NFL for ANY 5 year span of time over the last 25 years. Not was it just the best, it isn’t close:

2010-2014 Patriots: 187 plays/fumble
2009-2013 Patriots: 156 plays/fumble
2006-2010 Colts: 156 plays/fumble
2005-2009 Colts: 153 plays/fumble
2007-2011 Patriots: 149 plays/fumble
2008-2012 Patriots: 148 plays/fumble
2010-2014 Texans: 140 plays/fumble
2004-2008 Colts: 139 plays/fumble
2006-2010 Jets: 135 plays/fumble
1999-2003 Chiefs: 134 plays/fumble

Source: Sharp Football Analysis

You would have thought that after having been handed a game they’d lost with that ridiculous call in the Tuck Game, getting gifted a path to their first Super Bowl would have been fortune enough for the Patriots to decide to really focus on winning fair and square, but they never thanked their lucky stars long enough to focus on playing inside the rules.

I have a real hard time rooting for any team in neon green, there really should be a rule in the NFL against teams wearing dayglo colors anywhere on their uniforms, but I’m going to have to look past those godawful team colors and root for Seattle this Sunday. Eff those cheating Patriots, go Seahawks!

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David Gregory Breaking the Law on National TVOn his last Meet the Press appearance of 2012, host David Gregory broke Washington D.C. gun laws by waving around a high-capacity magazine in front of the cameras, after NBC had already requested and been denied permission to do so by D.C. police. The prediction for 2013? Despite over 16,000 signatures on a White House petition to press charges, anti-gun crusaders higher up in government will convince the police and the D.A. not to seek charges (after all, those anti-gun laws were always intended for the little people, not the ruling elite, right?) So much for equality under the law, Gregory breaks the law on national TV and walks away scot-free.

On February 3, 2013, Peyton Manning leads the Broncos to victory in Super Bowl XLVII. In what looked like a risky trade in putting all the Broncos’ hopes on the surgically repaired neck of an aging veteran, John Elway ends up looking like a genius. A great cosmic wrong is also righted in Peyton’s having had only one Super Bowl ring to brother Eli’s two.

After global temperatures have been in standstill for the past fifteen years, we will see a slight decline in global temperatures in 2013. Even with temperatures declining, global warming alarmists will continue blaming each catastrophic weather event on man-made emissions, shelving their former term of “warming” in favor of the all-encompasing “climate change”. We could point out to the alarmists that hurricanes and floods and droughts have been ravaging the planet for all human history long before there ever was an industrial revolution, but what would it change? There will always be a group of people making a racket out of blaming the weather on all the other people. Before the industrial revolution, these same kinds of people would go around telling anyone who’d listen about the undeniable evidence that we were praying to the wrong gods or the clear consensus that we weren’t sacrificing enough virgins.

2012 saw the death of Twinkies as Hostess was unable to work out a deal with striking union workers to keep the company solvent. 2013 will see the brand sold to a Chinese company. Unlike urban legend might lead you to believe, the actual shelf-life of a Twinkie is only twenty-five days, so the company doesn’t ship from China but instead buys bakeries in Mexico. The former American icon will then be owned by the Chinese and shipped from south of the border. Thanks, unions!

Microsoft Window 8While Windows 8 was released to rave reviews from many users of touch devices, many PC users were less than thrilled over the new operating system, with the step towards a tile-based interface and an emphasis on single-screen apps causing some to quip that Microsoft’s new OS should be called Microsoft “Window” instead of “Windows”. 2013 goes a long way to vindicate Microsoft’s strategy of a unified platform between all devices however, as Windows 8 makes modest but steady inroads on phones, tablets and hybrids while PC users begin to adapt and see the wisdom of one OS to rule them all.

After Microsoft flooded 2012’s holiday TV programming with ads for their Surface devices, Apple will focus their efforts in 2013 to address the one thing that keeps the iPad from being an all-in-one replacement for desktops and laptops, namely, the lack of a self-contained keyboard. 2013 will see Apple release an iPad / laptop hybrid with slide-out keyboard, just in time for the holidays.

Mama June Gets Lap Band Surgery

 

While many complained that 2012’s breakout TV show, Honey Boo Boo, marked a new low in reality show exploitation, the televised exploitation pales in comparison to the meager $5,000 per episode TLC was paying the Boo Boo Clan for the channel’s highest rated show. Give credit to TLC, however, they stepped up after season one and approached the Shannon / Thompson family with an offer giving them a raise to between $15,000 and $20,000 an episode. It might not curtail the family’s love of dumpster diving and coupon shopping, but it sure beats a sharp stick in the eye! So what’s in store for the family in 2013 and what will they do with all that newfound wealth?

Mama June’s buying lap band surgery and by season’s end, she’ll be almost one-hundred pounds lighter and totally unrecognizable.

 

Looking back on 2012, we may have survived the Mayan apocalypse (as I predicted we would) but we also were witness to tragedies we won’t soon forget, from Aurora and Sandy Hook to the natural and man-made disasters of Hurricane Sandy and Obama’s re-election. But 2013 is a brand new year, it’s the only year numbered 13 most of us will ever live to see, so call it a lucky 13 and make it a good one.

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Ah what a spectacle it was . . . the commercials, the halftime show . . . oh yeah, I heard they even played a football game.

I was looking forward to Matthew Broderick reprising the Ferris Bueller role. He looks pretty good 36 years gone by, he may end up one of those guys like Regis Philbin or Dick Clark that just never get old and you have to wonder if they sold their souls or just have access to a better plastic surgeon than the rest of us.

A little disappointed to see no other cameos from fellow Ferris alumni, I can understand kiddie porn lover and photographer Jeffrey Jones not getting the call to reprise the roll of Principal Rooney, but Jennifer Grey (Ferris’ sister) Alan Ruck (his best friend, Cameron) or Ben Stein doing the “Bueller . . . Buller” from the original “Fry” line would have made for a much better commercial.

At the very least, they could have gotten this out of work actor to reprise his role as the drug addled bad boy in the police station and it wouldn’t even have involved any acting on his part.

Charlie Sheen Didn't Have to Act in Ferris Bueller

Then there was some chick named MIA on the halftime show. When the rapping starts, I usually make my way towards the refrigerator or the bathroom, so I missed it, but apparently, she flipped the bird to the viewing audience in America and the world at large.

You were MIA to me before the Super Bowl and hopefully you’ll be MIA to the rest of the world after the Super Bowl.

MIA Should Go Back to Being Missing

MIA Should Go Back to Being Missing

The highlight of all the festivities? Definitely had to be Will Ferrell showing off his secret talent as a tightrope acrobat.

Will Ferrell's Halftime Tightrope Acrobatic Act at the Super Bowl

Who would have thunk a guy with so many multi-million dollar movies under his belt could have joined the circus at a young age and spent his life delighting circus goers in relative anonymity.

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Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady

You have to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball,” she said angrily to those around her.

“My husband cannot f–king throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

source: NY Post

That would be a pretty good sports take if she wasn’t half of the multinational corporation that is Gisele and Brady. I get that she’s upset and sticking up for her man after a tough loss, but surely she’s seen enough post-game interviews to know that 100 times out of 100 times, a player will never blame their teammates no matter how well he might have played or how poorly they might have played. You just don’t do that and you certainly don’t need your wife out there spouting off and laying the blame on your teammates for you.

I get that it must have been frustrating for her to have to watch the dropped balls (three by my count, one big drop by Welker that would have brought them close to going up by two score late in the game and two more drops the final drive) but you just don’t call out your husband’s fellow teammates, because they have to be there for him next year, they have to be there for him to pick him up when he’s not having his best game and they’re the ones who have to have his back when the other team is trying to rip his head off.

Definitely a tough loss for Brady, a guy who has gone from a perfect 3-0 to 3-2 now in Super Bowls, but somehow I think that two supermodels headed for a million dollar vacation can find a way to get over it.

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We’re three days in on the new year, but nothing much of note has really happened so far, so still not too late to unload my psychic powers on the world . . .

Spun Honey’s Predictions for 2012

2012 Football Predictions1. Coming off the 9-6 LSU victory in the regular season, in the LSU – Alabama rematch for the BCS Championship, someone finally manages to score a touchdown. The way those defenses are playing, forget picking a winner, that’s a bold enough prediction right there.

2. Drew Brees manages to outgun Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau Field in the NFC Championship, taking his Saints to the Super Bowl. The Ravens, who had a regular season record of 6-0 against playoff teams, beat both the Bengals and Patriots, but end up losing in the big one. They never need an excuse to party down on Bourbon Street, but it’s Super Bowl number two for the Saints and the people of New Orleans.

3. The day before the vote on the Stop Online Piracy Act, Google, Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook launch a black page protest, shutting down service and asking their loyal users to tell Congress to get their cotton-pickin’ hands off the Internet. Congressional phone lines are flooded beyond anything the Capitol has ever seen, and in a stunning reversal, SOPA bites the dust.

2012 Video Game Sales4. Hollywood will earn $500 billion less in domestic box-office sales from the previous year, just as they did in 2011, and the movie studios still remain completely in denial, crying about piracy when the real problems Hollywood faces are a dearth of new ideas (nothing but remakes, sequels and comic book adaptations) a public that prefers their own home theater experience to over-priced movie tickets and the fact that video games are drawing more and more people’s disposable income.

5. Video game sales will break records again, hitting $20 billion and doubling Hollywood’s take for the first time ever. While video games are just as easy to pirate as movies, you hear very few calls from the video game industry for the government to have an Internet kill switch.

6. London Olympics are smashing, baby! Security is tight, no terrorist attacks, and the only incident is when a bunch of hooligans get out of hand with the celebrations as Great Britain pulls off the upset Gold Medal in football.

7. The Israelis will not and cannot allow the Mullah Hitlers to have nukes in Iran and the much anticipated airstrike is launched. Thankfully, predictions of oil at $250 a barrel are exaggerated, with oil maxing out at $198 a barrel. Gasoline rises to an earth-loving $8 a gallon, and the Obama administration couldn’t be happier.

 Punxsutawney Phil8. Documents come to light proving what everyone already knew, that Attorney General Eric Holder was guilty of perjury when he denied having knowledge of Operation Fast and Furious. Fortunately for the Obama administration, all the news channels outside of FNC decide the story is not as newsworthy as the reports on Katy Perry’s second divorce and whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, so the story is never even mentioned.

9. On a personal note, I’m able to stay on the straight and narrow with no cigarettes and I get back down to my target weight of 200 pounds this year, but it doesn’t matter because . . .

10. December 21, 2012 lands most conveniently on a Friday, and Mayan apocalypse parties are going off all across America. When everyone else wakes up hungover on December 22, they realize there is no Mayan apocalypse, we survived to suffer a fate far worse, because just a month previous, Barack Obama was given another four years.

December 21, 2012

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Team of Rivals
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Doris Kearns Goodwin