Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Good actions ennoble us, we are the sons of our own deeds.
- Cervantes, Spanish Novelist, Dramatist, and Poet (1547-1616)

condomI found a pretty funny website in the final hours of my post-Thanksgiving turkey haze, it’s called The A(n)nals of Online Dating.

While I’m no longer active in the online dating scene, I still found quite a few good laughs reading through some of the posts there.

You can think of the blog as a “what not to do” for men and online dating. Here’s a one-line example of the creepy, piggish messages some men send to women at online dating sites, the post title and the commentary at the end from our helpful blogger.

Is this your patented “Three-Second Slam” I’ve heard so much about?

I wouldn’t mind putting a rubber on and slamming you from behind.


+4 for safety first!

+2 because “rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

+7 for his sexy offer to “slam” you. From behind. What vagina doesn’t get a little smiley when it hears it’s about to get “slammed”?

+3 because this guy is for sure awesome in bed. If he’s busy tonight, I’ll just lay face-down in a construction site and ask one of the workers to set a jackhammer on my back. Basically the same thing. Ladies love it.

+4 because this will be such good brunch talk with my girlfriends the next day (INSIDER INFO: Girls love brunch). When we go to brunch after fucking guys like this, we always say things like, “It was just so sexy when I was staring at the ceiling while he humped away like a deranged rabbit” and “It was SO ADORABLE the way he blew his load in three minutes and then asked, ‘Did you come?’ as if that was possible in any universe ever.” Boys! Gotta love ‘em!


source: The A(n)nals of Online Dating

I love her scoring system.

The part that really got my attention though was her second line in reply:

“rubber,” really? Are you going to shag me with a rubber before we smoke some dope? DAD GET OFF THE INTERNET.

Oh wow, are you kidding me? Because I’m wracking my brain here and “rubber” is the only word I can think of for it other than “condom”, and that word only gets used on news reports or in sixth grade sex ed classes.

That really drives me nuts though, because now I’m thinking, I’d hate to be so old that there’s some other popular term for a rubber now that’s going around and I’m totally oblivious to it. I’m being serious too, because while I’ve opted out of the teen / 20-something, cutting edge of pop culture – I’ve never seen a Twilight movie, if you asked me to name as many American Idol winners as I can, I could only give you maybe two (Carrie Underwood? Ryan Seacrest?) and when I’m at Daily Mail reading political articles, I only recognize about half the celebs on the gossip links on the right-hand side – but lingo is a different thing! Lingo is my language! Language is my life!

So if I’m telling some story about my younger days and if I say something about going to the liquor store to by some rubbers, is that really dating me as much as if I were talking about “shagging” and “smoking dope”? Sure, I’m old enough to be a dad, but I don’t want to sound like one.

I’m wracking my brain here . . .

I remember my cousin had been in a band that toured the world and when I first started playing in a band that had a good following, he gave me some advice on groupies and life on the road:

“No glove, no love.”

Four simple words and very good advice, but outside of that context, I don’t think anyone goes around saying, “Do you have your glove on?” or “Oh shit, I ran out of love gloves.”

Help me out in the comments on this one, because for the life of me, I can’t think of any other word for it than “rubber” and it’s driven me to distraction.

UPDATE: Check out how this post got me suspended on Twitter.

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