Letters from the Lunar Outpost

Heaven never helps the men who will not act.
- Sophocles, Greek Tragic Poet (B.C. 495-406)

Zidane Head Butts Away the Championship10. In 2006, the most famous player in the sport – some guy named “Zidane” – got booted from the championship game for throwing a head-butt to the chest of another player in plain view of everyone. This pretty much ruined any chance of his team scoring a winning goal in “penalty time”. If this is your team captain, what does that say about the collective IQ of your entire team?

9. The clock will never have an exciting “three . . . two . . . one . . . zero!!!” countdown because of this thing called penalty time, which the announcers can guess at how much is remaining but it never seems to end exactly when they say it will. Hey, we’ll play for 45 minutes . . . give or take a few minutes and a handful of seconds.

8. In no other sport in the world can you witness the breeze of a closely passing player actually knock someone down. Geez, if I want to see that much flopping I’ll hang out on a commercial fishing boat. Why don’t they just put these players in ballerina outfits and get it over with?

7. The games can end in ties! What the hell is that? Hey, just go all the way with it and do like they do with the little kids playing soccer – stop keeping score so no one has to go home crying!

6. The teams are filled with greasy long-hairs who only have one name. Picture professional wrestling if you need an analogy as to why greasy long-hairs with single-names are lame.

5. Hooligans.

4. I’ve watched two world cup championships. The boredom of watching the 2006 championship amount to a 1 – 1 tie after 90 minutes plus another 15, plus another 15, is only exceeded in boredom and utter futility of 1994’s 0 – 0 championship tie. I’ve watched a grand total of four hours of world cup championship and I’ve seen a grand total of 2 freakin’ goals. Dude, I’m petitioning FIFA because I want a refund on my time invested.

3. Your entire world championship game is decided by penalty kicks??? Do I even need to explain all the reasons why this is so utterly lame? That’s about as lame as deciding the NBA championship with a three-point shootout or determining the World Series winner with a homerun derby.

2. France is good at it.

1. Any sport where the players are only allowed to use two of their four God-given limbs is a half-assed endeavor at best.

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